Built Not Bought
In the world of custom cars and trucks, there’s a popular saying: “Built not bought.” You’ll see it on T-shirts, bumper stickers, and across social media. The phrase honors the work, creativity, and care required to build something unique and meaningful. It expresses pride in avoiding shortcuts or quick fixes, emphasizing the hands-on process of transforming raw materials into something deeply personal.
The more I explore the idea of belonging, the more I see its parallels with this philosophy. Belonging is also built. Like a custom truck, a truly satisfying sense of connection isn’t something you stumble upon or inherit—it’s something crafted with intention.
Brian Stout, in his Substack Bridging Toward Belonging, defines belonging as “a felt sense in our bodies of safety, power, wholeness, and welcome. It is a relational quality that can be cultivated and practiced.” I love every part of this definition. But there’s one piece I’d like to add: belonging is also a decision. It’s a commitment to creating what you want to experience.
Many people mistakenly believe that belonging is either something you’re born into or something that happens to you as a result of external circumstances. We assume it’s tied to having the right last name, going to the right school, or being from the right neighborhood. When we don’t feel like we “fit in,” we often conclude that our credentials—or our very selves—are lacking.
But if this were true, why do so many people feel the most alienated and disconnected in spaces that are supposed to validate them? Why can you feel like an outsider in places you’re told should make you feel like you belong?
The reason is that these groups and places were chosen for us. When we fail to actively shape these circumstances into something meaningful, we lose our agency. Without that sense of ownership, we tether our belonging to the whims of external validation.
Belonging isn’t about fitting into a mold created by others. Instead, it’s about intentionally building alignment between who you are and the spaces you inhabit.
Crafting a lasting sense of belonging involves four key building blocks: self-awareness, intentional choices, connection, and growth.
Self-awareness is where it all begins. Before starting any construction project, you survey the land to understand its unique features. Similarly, building belonging starts with understanding your values, priorities, and aspirations. The better you know yourself, the more intentional you can be in crafting spaces and relationships that truly resonate. Think of this as laying the foundation for a life that feels aligned and authentic.
Intentional choices are about creating alignment and purpose. This involves deliberately designing the spaces, relationships, and experiences that support the life you want to live. It could be as simple as organizing your living space to feel calm and inviting, joining a group that resonates with your passions, or hosting a gathering to connect with others. Each choice you make reinforces a sense of purpose and belonging, shaping a life that feels uniquely yours.
Connection transforms everything. Belonging thrives not just on connection with people but also with the places and communities around us. Engaging with neighbors, coworkers, or community members builds trust and a shared sense of purpose. Exploring your local environment—parks, cafes, libraries—and finding spaces that feel like home deepens your connection to the world around you. When you use decor, organization, and routines to reflect your identity and values, you grow roots that provide strength and stability during life’s storms.
Finally, growth is what makes belonging dynamic. Belonging is not a one-and-done endeavor—it evolves with you. As your priorities shift, so will your sense of connection. Embracing flexibility allows your spaces and relationships to adapt, equipping you to weather change while staying rooted in your values.
If you’re ready to take action, start by identifying what feels missing. Where in your life do you feel disconnected or out of place? What would help you feel more grounded or “at home”? Take one small action, like rearranging a space to feel more inviting or reaching out to someone who inspires connection. Foster consistency by building routines that reinforce belonging, such as weekly coffee with a friend or creating a personal ritual.
My coaching program, Built to Belong, is grounded in two core premises: belonging is something you can take control of, and when you create belonging for yourself, you inspire it in others and strengthen your community.
Belonging isn’t handed to you. It’s not something you purchase or wait for others to give. It’s something you craft with intention, effort, and heart. And just like a custom truck built piece by piece, what you create will be uniquely, beautifully yours.
